space and consideration

I am fearful. Fearful and somewhat skeptical. I borrow these words from one of my co-workers, who, at a weekend retreat planned for maximizing our potential as a group, admitted openly and freely, his feeling regarding the gathering. It was a telling moment...a meaningful moment. It was telling because we were all quiet and likely thinking the same thing, but no one spoke in support of this feeling. It was meaningful because although many of us in the room felt the same way, we had not the bravery to say it. I am currently embarking on a path to complete honesty and this was a striking window into how one can truly just lay it all out there....no matter the consequences.

My path to complete honesty is bourne through my desire to live each day to the fullest and with zero regret. At the end of my life, I don't want to sit back and think of all the things I should've done or said, but didn't or think of all the things I shouldn't have done or said, but did just to save face. I have avoided confrontation, grinned and beared, and said yes when I really wanted to say no. I have followed the faces of questioners to check if my reply was acceptable, sought approval and half-answered, nodded when I wanted to say "hell no", and played it safe too many times. I have opinions, thoughts, answers, and dreams that nobody will want to hear or agree with and some that many people will find odd. I have ideas, notions, and beliefs that will seem to counter what many know of me. I know a lot of stuff. I am clueless about so much more. I have poems, stories, and songs that many will love. Some will not agree with, dislike, or find error in my reasoning. Some will not enjoy my work. Some will be confused by my musings. I don't care.

I deserve space and consideration.

I do approach this new venue for my thoughts with some fear and skepticism. I would much rather cradle a worn leather notebook and scribble my thoughts onto yellow linen pages--the dark ink soaking into the fiber and resulting in a real, organic creation. So, I will continue such work, but am adding this to my nucleus of creation, a cadre of sorts which will add to my creative work.

I welcome comment and discussion on anything that I post. I believe that without open communication, we cannot truly understand one another. I am most hurt when I am misunderstood, so I strive to understand others in their contexts and by examining my own biases and judgements. I desire to be a student of all that life has taught those placed in my life. But, I can only learn what I don't know if I am an open vessel. So, I stand open, ready to pour and be poured into....but I am not accepting dogma without discussioon. Check it at the door or come ready to explore.